


the guilt eats and eats until an empty shell remains

by sicklystilinski



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Kageyama is just too fast-paced, M/M, Other Characters Are Mentioned, Unrequited Love, all kags wanted was hinata, hinata still dominates kageyama's mind, kageyama's parents aren't really around, lonely suffering, sadness and guilt, the gym floor really doesn't make for a good cushion, the sun has set, there was a lot of blood, tw for depression too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:55:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29350809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sicklystilinski/pseuds/sicklystilinski
Summary: 15-year old Hinata Shoyo was the only one able to keep up with Kageyama Tobio, despite his rigorous speed and outrageous expectations, but there was one time he couldn’t. That time was the last time Kageyama ever played volleyball with his best friend, the last time he ever set hand on a volleyball, the last time he even stood on the court. The memories continue to haunt him after the accident, guilt often leaving him bedridden for days at a time.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Kudos: 12





	1. the wall comes down

**Author's Note:**

> I’m going to be honest here, I’m posting this before I edit it just so it’s out there and maybe, just maybe, I’ll have some kind of motivation to finish it and make it better. This is the first fic I have legitimately tried to write and finish in a couple years, and while I’m not too incredibly proud of it, it’s something. Do feel free to give suggestions on ways I could show instead of tell or anything I could improve on, really.  
> Hope you enjoy!

It’d been 4 days since the accident. Kageyama still refused to talk, laying silently in his bed with his eyes fixated on the ceiling, his chest rising and falling as his mind reeled with the memories of his best friend.

His eyes.

His hair. 

His annoying ass laugh and his stupid perfect smile that tormented him.

He could still picture his face as it happened. The loving and excited smile slowly leaving his face, morphing into an expression of pure fear. The loud crack- 

Kageyama’s head snapped to the side, eyes slammed shut. He didn’t want to remember. His mind had different plans. Floods of memories of interactions with Hinata began to fill his head: The middle school match, the first time they met at Karasuno, the first time they showed the freak quick attack to the team. Even the races to get to the clubroom.

His head snapped again.

He didn’t want to remember the warmth of the blood on his hands. The racing of his heart as he fumbled with his cell phone to call someone, anyone.

He wanted to forget the fact that he was the reason for Hinata Shouyou’s death.

With that thought, the weight in Kageyama’s chest got ten times heavier, crushing his lungs. The breath left his body too fast, his chest aching and wheezing while tears finally streamed down his face. In days, he hadn’t been able to cry. He had barely been able to eat and drink, but not once had he been able to break down.

However, once the tears started, they wouldn’t stop. Harsh cries ripped out of his chest with a vengeance, unsatisfied with the suppression forced onto them over the past couple days. With every heave, his throat burned with an unearthly fire. His entire body throbbed, the lack of any kind of movement since that day making itself prominent. Hours passed as the boy finally let his guard down, rolling in the unimaginably deep pit of sorrow that had dug itself into his very being.

\------------------------------------------

By the time Kageyama had managed to stop the sobbing, he had already undergone multiple trips to the bathroom and had almost passed out at least 4 times. His head slowly raised up off of his crossed arms and turned to peer at the clock through watery eyes. 

2:04am. 

The last thing he remembered before his body gave into its exhaustion was the look in Hinata’s eyes as he fell.

Or maybe… 

Those eyes were the first thing he saw after the world went dark.


	2. confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never had Kageyama been so frightened of that short tangerine boy. Until now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same deal as chapter one, this is completely unedited. I'm hoping that I will be able to go back and improve the story after I get everything done, which may be a twisted way of progress, but I don't want to lose motivation again. Any feedback is truly appreciated and will be taken into consideration. Thank you guys for reading.  
> Enjoy!

“Hinata?”

The eyes disappeared, but the outline of the boy that once was remained standing in front of him in the darkness. Kageyama tried to approach him, but for every step he took toward him, Hinata took 2 more to stay away. 

“Hinata, please.”

He tried again to close the gap between them, but Hinata was faster. Kageyama could feel the fire starting to creep up his throat again, his heart dropping to the pit of his stomach as he was about to lose his sun yet again. The shadows snaked along behind him, threatening to overtake him without Hinata’s light there to ward them away. Just as a single tendril began to wrap itself around his right ankle, Kageyama broke into a sprint.

“Hinata! Stop!”

He watched as the small silhouette darted ahead of him, the bush of fluffy hair bouncing up and down in time with his strides. Kageyama ran as hard as he could, trying to escape the darkness and catch up to his partner. It didn’t matter, though. The distance between the two only grew larger, as the dark shadow vines wrapped themselves around Kageyama’s ankles any chance they got. He watched as the boy slowed himself to a jog. 

Then he collapsed.

“Hinata, no!”

This time, the tendrils could do nothing to stop Kageyama. Seeing Hinata fall to the floor reminded him of the first time he had been unable to save him, and he wouldn’t fail again. His ankles hurt with the force he put into his steps, racing against his past self to reach the fallen boy before it would be too late.

This time, Hinata didn’t run away. As Kageyama approached him, he saw that he was kneeled down on his knees. His chin rested against his sternum, making Kageyama wonder how he was even breathing so quietly.

_He’s not breathing. You killed him, remember?_

Kageyama winced as his nose scrunched up in sync with the jerk of his head. His neck throbbed, the constant ticking had really taken a toll on his body. He shook himself out of the stupor his mind had forced him into and peered down at the boy below him, wishing there was more light so he could see his face again. 

Just as he had the thought, a spotlight turned on above them.

And boy, did Kageyama regret wishing for that.

On the floor, Hinata sat with his head in his hands, dark red blood dripping out from between his fingers. The back of his orange hair was also covered in blood, matted down and dried. Kageyama bit down on his lip to restrain the flow of curse words threatening to escape because frankly, it really wasn’t the time.

He watched as Hinata’s shoulders began to shake and dropped down to his knees in front of him to grab the sides of his arms. They were cold to the touch. He ignored that and focused on the crying mess across from him. Gradually, the sobs turned into chuckles. The chuckles evolved into maniacal laughter. The haunting sound left Hinata’s lips as he raised his head to look Kageyama in the eyes. 

A gasp left Kageyama’s mouth as he looked into the once beautiful eyes of his former teammate. He’d spent days after he had met Hinata at Karasuno High, he had searched for the right words to describe the color of his eyes. In class, he had often found himself daydreaming about the golden brown irises that hid themselves as Hinata went to spike his set. Ultimately, he could only come up with a chocolate brown, in Kageyama fashion. He was never upset with this conclusion, however, because it reminded him of the sweet boy he had begun to fall in love with.

But now.

Now those beautiful eyes were a cold, dark gray surrounded by slightly yellowed white.

And Kageyama had never been so terrified before.


End file.
